Chapter 27:  In London

With the tenderness of women they put us on stretchers and carried us out to their luxurious ambulances. With each four men went a lady to attend to all their wants. Like a mother she hovered over us and you could see her heart was bursting with love for us far-out sons of empire. 

Through cheering crowds we drove, and our Australian hearts leaped as we heard many coo-ees, which made us feel that we were not far from Home, for twelve thousand miles were bridged in thought by these homelike sounds, and the knowledge that we were in the land from which our parents came and where we had many kinsfolk. I was assigned to the Third London General Hospital, and out to Wandsworth Common was I taken, where alongside Queen Victoria's school for officers'
orphans had been built rows of comfortable huts linked up with seven miles of corridors, while the
old orphanage itself contained the administrative headquarters. 

I was allotted to G ward, but did not know for days what a distinction that was, for the sister in charge was none other than the late Queen of Portugal, and among the V.A.D.'s were several ladies and honourables. They were camouflaged, however, under the titles of ' sister' and ' nurse,' and we had become too intimate to need ceremony before we discovered who they were in social life. In dressing our wounds, washing us, cleaning and scrubbing the floors they were as adept as if to the manner born, but you could not fail to see that they sprung from generations of refinement. 

On one side of me was an Australian who had been hit on the side of the head by a shell, having there from a stiff neck. On the other side was an Irish padre, chaplain to an Australian battalion, and, of course, the 'life' of the ward, and he had a greater fund of good stories than any other man, not excepting other priests, I have known.. In an opposite bed was a Welshman with one leg who of necessity answered to the name of 'Taffy,' while next to him was a Londoner who had a leg that he
would have been better without, for it had borne fourteen operations. 

In London we had the world's specialists for every bodily ill, and some of us who had complications were in the hands of ten doctors at the one time. There were skin specialists and bone specialists, nerve specialists and brain specialists, separate authorities on the eye, ear, nose, and throat, and it is a pity that a man is tied up in one bag, otherwise they might all have operated at the self-same moment in separate rooms on the same man.

There was a little nurse, mostly on night duty, who was dubbed ' Choom,' for she came from Yorkshire and had a rich brogue. But her heart was big enough for one twice her size, and she would always tuck its in and attempt to supply all our wants, however unreasonable.

After an operation which I tell about in another chapter I was able to sit up and propel myself in a wheel-chair, and soon was having races with the champion chair-speeders of the other wards. There was a long inclined plane that was the cause of many accidents, for there was a sharp turn at the bottom and our chariots would get out of control. I have more than once turned a double somersault, and it is a wonder I did not break my head, and several candid friends said it was cracked any way.

We had concerts in the hall every night, and as it was a couple of miles from our ward, we cripples who brought our own chairs with us would wait in the corridor for one of the blind to propel us along while we would do the guiding ourselves, giving directions to our steeds in nautical terms, such as 'Starboard a little Steady, steady, you idiot ! ' ' Hard aport Quick !' ' Now, you darned fool, you jolly nearly smashed that window!' 

When we got to the door of the hall, we would be piloted into the area reserved  for carriages, and so tightly were we jammed that it took about twenty minutes to empty the hall, or twice as long if we tried to get out by ourselves. However, the concerts were worth while, and when Clara Butt or some other world famed artist came along, we did not mind being late for dinner, the dishes of which were never a surprise if you remembered the day of the week.

In our ward there were mostly leg injuries, and in the one next door arm cases, and hot and fast flew the arguments as to which it were worse to lose. We demonstrated our superiority one night by raiding them for their milk, all the attackers being on crutches and they were unable to recover it ; so we decided to our own satisfaction that we were the most useful members of society, though had we not drunk it so fast they might have got it.

We had some very high talent in the hospital, and our monthly gazette was a very creditable production. We had as one of the orderlies a Punch artist, and he was always caricaturing some of us. The patients contributed drawings, poems, and articles, and I imagine that in years to come these little papers will be of some value, containing the works of renowned artists and authors from many parts of the world.

A good number from our ward were able to take taxi-rides into the city, and would return at late hours, sometimes the merrier for the excursion. I have in my memory as I write, recollections of waking suddenly out of slumber to behold Taffv and a mad Australian waltzing to the strains of a gramophone, each with only one leg, and then old Piddington would persist in rousing the ward that we might sing as a roundelay :

• And when I die, 
  • Don't bury me at all 
  • just pickle my bones 
  • In alcohol. 
  • Put a bottle of RUM (much emphasis here)
  • At my head and feet, 
  • And then I know 
  • My bones will keep!

My brothers are in different regiments. We enlisted from different states - one is in an English regiment - yet we all met on Good Friday in this hospital ward. They had seen in the paper my name among the casualties and, inquiring, had found out where I was, and there we met, not having seen each other for many years.

One day, like a bolt from the blue, came the intimation that I was to be sent back to Australia in two days as being unfit for further service. I argued the point, went before the medical board, and gave each one separately a testimonial that would be no advertisement, but it was of no avail, and I realised that like a worn-out horse I was to be sent out of the fun. But to add injury to insult, I had had no opportunity to see London. 

What! Go home to Australia and tell them I had been in London and not seen St. Paul's, or the Abbey, or anything? So when I realised appeal was useless I got dressed and called a taxicab, and went to see the sights of London. Never was a tourist trip conducted more systematically. On crutches I hobbled round St. Paul's and through the Abbey. I saw the Tower, the Albert Memorial, and all the sights that I could remember or the taxi-driver think of sufficient importance to need a visit. I even went down Petticoat Lane. 

But most of all I did the theatres, four in one day, returning to the hospital at 1.30 A.m. Next day I repeated and enlarged the dose, returning a little later, but the following morning I was summoned before the O.C. He said : ' It is reported to me that you have been returning after hours. Why ? ' I said : ' So would you, sir, if you were returning to Australia in two days and had not viewed London He said : 'Well, it won't occur again, I hope.' To which I replied 'Only to-night, sir' But the boat was delayed, and I had two more days of strenuous existence in the metropolis of the world.

Once again I entered a hospital-train, but this time I would have no mussing round me as if I were a helpless child, but went upright, as a man should, though on crutches.

When we journeyed to the port there was one of our good old Australian coasters waiting to bear us back again-Home. The old A.U.S.N. steamer that I had so often travelled on from Brisbane to Sydney was now under command of the Australian navy, and had the proud designation of ' His Majesty's Australian Hospital Ship.'